Thursday, March 12, 2015

My Grief Letter To Family and Friends

I never thought that I would sit here on this sun-filled day to write a Grief Letter to my family and friends but here I sit.

Almost five months ago, I suffered a devastating loss when I got home from a luncheon.  I came home fully expecting to see that smiling face of my beloved Barry.   As I went from room to room calling out to him, and not finding him, I could not imagine where he was.   Then I remembered that his back was "killing" him that morning and that he was going to read.  I saw that Lacey (my dog) was out in the yard and Abby (a neighbor's dog was on the lanai) I figured Barry was outside reading.   I went out to find him calling his name and looking around at neighbors' yards to see if I could find him but he never answered my call.   I walked further out to see one of his feet and thought he was sitting down weeding.  As I got closer, I saw him lying flat on his back thinking what is he doing?   I actually asked that question aloud to him.   No answer came.  I thought is he trying to get some sun. It was a beautiful sunny day just like today. Weird what goes through your mind but I had no reason to think he was dead.  He was flat on his back and his, legs were straight out, and his arms were straight at his sides as if he just decided to lie down.  I bent down and shook his arm lightly and said honey but again, no answer.  I shook him harder and once again, no answer.  It was then I looked into his eyes and I knew my beloved Barry was gone.   I screamed as I never screamed before.   Neighbors came rushing over and some tried CPR but it was too late.  He was gone.   I will never see him this side of heaven again.   My heart was shattered.   
I am still grieving the loss of my beloved Barry and miss him terribly.   After three and half months of agonizing grief, I realized that I cannot do this grieving on my own.  I need help.   A couple of friends recommend Grief Share.   I found one that meets every Tuesday night not far from my home.  It has been a huge blessing to me and it is through Grief Share and talking with my dear friends who are like family to me, that I realized the need to write this letter to you.   

As I walk this journey of grieving I want you to know from time to time, I cry and I even sob uncontrollably from time to time thinking when will this pain end.  Will this overwhelming sense of loneliness ever go away?   Will my shattered heart ever be whole again.  These times have become less and less and further apart now that time has passed.   I am having more good days than bad days.   Even though the good days are more frequent, does not mean that I am not grieving.   I have come to realize through my Grief Share meetings, that grieving will take months and perhaps even years to recover from such this loss.   

I have also come to realize that through this time of grieving, I have made so many mistakes such as being rude to people who are only trying to help.   Please forgive me if you were one of those recipients.  My emotions are like a roller coaster going full speed ahead, twisting around one corner only to plummet down while they are twisting and turning upside down then the upward climb once again.   In all honesty, I cannot explain this emotional roller coaster than I am now riding I just know that I am in the front seat holding on with everything in me.   Oh, there are times when I lift my hands in praise and scream deep in my spirit, "Thank You Father, You are here with me on the wildest ride of my life, sitting right here with me."   

One of the ways God is with me is through you.  I cannot begin to tell you how much your love and friendship means to me.  If there was any way for grieving to be more bearable, then please know that your friendship and love has done exactly that for me.  I cannot thank you enough.    I still need you probably more than I ever let on.  I need your friendship, I need your love, and I need your understanding when I am not making sense.  Please be patient with me.  Please call me, text me, or email me.  Do not wait for me to make the first move because at times I am too overwhelmed in sadness.  If you see me withdrawing, remind not to.  I need you to reach out me on a regular basis even though it has been almost five months since my beloved Barry walked into eternity.   Please try to understand that my behavior is normal for a person walking the road of grief.  It is not an excuse; it is reality.  Keep praying for me that I will continue to draw close to Lord each day holding His hand while I take this walk of grief with Him.  

Thank you for loving me.   Thank you for praying for me.   You are a gift to me and a gift that I treasure more than words can say.  
I love you,